


parenting dynamics

by Pandasushiroll



Category: Marvel
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandasushiroll/pseuds/Pandasushiroll
Summary: Peter Parker has three parents, and they don't seem to agree on what's important.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	parenting dynamics

Tony has learned to spot the signs of trouble early on. Today he walks into the room and he sees May and Bruce wearing their glasses and squinting at a bright neon-colored box of cereal that Strange is holding. They’re all looking at it like it might be cursed. 

“..uh what’s going on? Resident...senior citizens?” The comment doesn’t even get a glance from the other three. Which makes him feel petulant. 

Strange shakes his head. Bruce is the first one to speak, “How bad is it?” 

“High Fructose Syrup, Evaporated Cane Juice--”

“What the hell is _Evaporated Cane Juice?_ ” Tony asks it but May looks like she might have been thinking the same thing.

Bruce and Strange answer simultaneously, “It’s sugar.” 

Strange continues, “Hydrogenated Oils and oop--” He grins and Tony almost shivers because anytime the wizard is highly amused it means trouble. “They snuck Glyphosate in there too.”

Bruce balks. Tony scoffs. May asks, “That sounds bad, what is that?”

The scientist and the wizard exchange a look. Bruce winces like he doesn’t want to be the one to say it, and frankly, he doesn’t. He hates delivering bad news. Strange has a better bedside manner, “It’s weed killer.”

“ _Weed killer?_ ” 

Strange sets the box aside, “He’ll have diabetes by the time he hits twenty-five.”

“Oh my god.” She swivels on Tony then, and he prepares mentally because that’s The Mom Look and he hates that look because it always accompanies a lecture. She points to the couch. His eyebrows lift. Yeah, like she’s gonna make him sit in his own house.

She stares. “Anthony.”

Bruce inhales sharply. Why is he scared? She isn’t even _talking to him_. Strange is behind her snickering like a goddamn asshole. 

“You know--I’m actually _very busy,_ ” He starts but cuts off when her brow furrows. She exhales slowly. And listen. Tony isn’t afraid. He doesn’t even care that she’s upset, because fuck her and he’s helping _them out and--_ He’s sitting. When did he sit down? 

(It’s probably the look of disappointment. That’s probably what does him in.)

“Do you even look at what comes into the kitchen?” 

Tony immediately rolls his eyes. “They aren’t babies, May.”

“Uh. Yeah, and they aren’t gonna be able to _have_ babies if you keep shoveling literal poison into them.” Here we go. She’s pacing, and Strange (because he’s a fucking enabler) is just casually moving shit out of her way so she can pace and scold without missing a beat. “Do you even care about what happens to them once they leave this house?”

He opens his mouth--

“Do _not_ give me that usual ‘fuck off May’ face. That face is rude and I don’t appreciate it.”   
  
“She really doesn’t. I have to hear about it for twenty minutes. Then Wong, then Banner, then the woman at the grocery store.” Strange supplies unhelpfully--is he _trying_ to make this worse? The next time she turns away from them both, Tony mouths; _you’re a fucking asshole_ at him. Strange mouths back; _you did this to yourself._

“May why don’t you just calm down?”

"Oh no." He hears Bruce mutter, looking ready to dive for cover.

It’s the wrong thing to say. Honestly. He knows it the moment the words leave his mouth. The moment that Strange actually stops looking smug and blinks like he’s dumbfounded. Bruce inhales again in the background. Tony can’t help it, he turns to him and hisses, “Oh just go play with some beakers. We don’t need sound effects.”

“Anthony.” He turns and oh God she’s right in front of him and he can see the wizard lift up a notebook off the table with the words _I can’t save you now_ written on them. “Did you just tell me to calm down?”

“Yeah, you’re acting like a lunatic.”

Bruce makes a pained noise.

“Protective.” Strange throws out there--maybe he’s feeling nice today. “I think he means _protective.”_

“This is calm.” She says and Tony firmly believes she is restraining the urge to clock him with a frying pan. “When I’m not calm, Anthony. You will know. I promise.” 

“Right.”

“But I’m telling you right now,” She’s getting this really saccharine tone and it’s honestly scaring the shit out of him. “If you don’t start feeding Peter better food I’m going to find you and--”

“What? Kill me?”

“No, Tony. I won’t. I’ll be extremely disappointed and we’ll have several very long talks about it. “

“Three Hour long talks.” Strange adds, gleefully. “Write him a letter too, and leave him angry voicemails.” What is he gearing her up to murder?  
  
“A _letter?_ Do I look like I have time to read? I’m--”

“Very busy,” The other three parrot back to him. “We know.” 

“After that, I’ll have James--” May continues, but Tony cuts her off.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

She smiles at him. “James and I are really great friends.”

“He’s my _best friend,_ you think you can get him to turn on--”

“Tony, he already agreed to it.”

What kind of fucked up betrayal is this? He looks at the wizard who shrugs. May snaps her fingers. “He can’t save you, pay attention. First of all, when you’re entrusted with someone else’s baby, there’s a little thing called _responsibility_ that comes with it.” Jesus Christ. She talks and it feels like she talks for ten years. She talks about health and life expectancy, and blah, blah, blah. “...on top of that, I can’t even believe you care so little for Peter that you’d just sit by and watch his health deteriorate into a litany of--”

“Alright. Fuck me. Fine, I will make sure that FRIDAY makes some healthier choices.”

* * *

Of course, everything stops when Peter stumbles in. It's considerably late in the evening. May checks her watch. “You’re awfully late. Where were you?”

“Uh, just. On patrol.” Clearly a lie.

As a rule, Tony never makes Peter check-in and Stephen could honestly just probably look into his crystal ball if he wanted to know where the Kid was. And yet, when the three spot a lipstick smudge on his face it’s like some weird switch gets flipped.

May narrows her eyes first.

“What were you with a girl?” Tony guesses.

“What? No!” The kid says too quickly.

“Bingo.”

Bruce laughs quietly.

Tony and May fix Strange with a look. “Stephen, please don’t ever say bingo again.”

“Yeah, that’s...just fucking weird.” For once they’re in agreement. They look at Bruce next, who freezes. "What are you laughing at?"

"Oh. Um. Nothing." He says quickly, adjusting his glasses.

Peter tries to sneak by but the adults all pin him in place when they all look at him at the same time. 

“Did you engage in intercourse?” Stephen asks.

Tony snorts. “Oh my god.”

May chokes on, Tony doesn’t even know, _air?_ “What?”

“He’s flushed, lying, and very steadfastly looking in any direction but our faces. I assume he had sex.” Stephen’s tone is Very Clinical. It’s making Peter turn bright red.

“Did you use a condom?”

Peter launches into panic mode. “We didn’t have sex!”

“Well, when you do have sex, you should use protection.”

“Yeah, no shit Strange. Is your medical degree in shit everyone knows?”

“No it’s in--”

“I don’t really want to know. No one does.” Tony says. He thinks he sees Stephen huff before May pats his arm like he’s a sad puppy. 

Peter makes a face. Disapproving. Bruce makes a thoughtful little noise as if he just realized something. “What was that?”

May looks innocent. “What was what?”

“May…” Peter says warningly. 

“ _What?_ ”

“Are you and Mr. Strange…?”

“Doctor.” Stephen says automatically, at the same moment that May says, “No!”

Now Tony looks amused. “Yeah, let’s talk about _that._ ”

Peter crosses his arms. “Are you two up to something?”

“This--this is not an interrogation about me and the wizard!”

Stephen looks only _mildly_ offended, but more amused than anything else. 

Peter and May start going back and forth until a timer goes off in the kitchen. Bruce, who had fallen silent to watch the chaos unfold clears his throat and they all fall silent. “What’s the timer for?”

May perks up. “Cookies.”

And this is how the entire situation got derailed. Cookies. 


End file.
